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The Red Line Flag Firefighter Button Hawaiian Shirt
Lawson’s mother eventually coaxed her out of the box and into the car, but she would often have to leave work early to pick up her daughter because she’d been crying so much at day care that she’d made herself throw up. “My mom eventually started putting notes into my pockets and my lunches and notebooks because if I saw the notes, I’d be reminded that everything was okay and that she was still alive,” Lawson recalled.
Lawson had a close relative with severe anxiety who would lock herself in enclosed spaces well into adulthood; her family figured Lawson was the same way. Lawson’s mom told friends and family that her older daughter was “quirky” and had a “nervous stomach.”
Lawson often thinks of her relative, whom she asked not be identified in this story. “She was thirty years older than I was, and her anxiety levels were just crazy,” she said. “When I was growing up, I would always see her, and she would hide in the bathroom and had an eating disorder, and she was just so terrified and unmedicated and, really, at the time, had no idea what it was that was really wrong with her. And she didn’t survive it. I wish I could have done more to help her.”
During Christmases with her extended family, Lawson would hide under the kitchen table. In elementary school, whenever she had to give a presentation in front of the class, she’d get so nervous that she couldn’t speak; instead, she’d laugh hysterically until she was allowed to sit back down. “My fifth grade teacher thought it was hilarious and would bring me up in front of class just to watch me laugh,” Lawson told me. “At the time, I thought she was trying to help me get over it, but, honestly, now it feels a little messed up.”
Making friends was terrifying. It wasn’t that the other children didn’t like her—it was that Lawson was afraid of them, though she didn’t understand exactly why. She used to bring a book with her to the lunchroom, and if anyone acknowledged her, she’d pretend to be so absorbed in what she was reading that she couldn’t hear them.
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